I don't really know why, but I am left with the overwelming sense of apathy this Christmas evening. This morning was great - actually slept last night and had a rather nice dream that I didn't want to wake up from. Danced and sung in the shower as I got ready to visit the parents for Christmas. It was from the time I got to Mum and Dad's that it started to go downhill. I mean, they're fighting again but that's kind of usual these days that I can't really attribute that to anything.

I just feel meh.

*shrugs* I am watching docos on TV which always makes me happier. Just kinda sucks to be moodcrashing right now. Oh well. I'm sure tomorrow will be better and I'll be able to post something a little less full of the bleh.

Still, Merry Christmas flist! I do hope your Christmases are full of smiles!

My eyes are killing me XD New glasses are required, especially now that I am back at work but I am always reluctant to go the the optometrist. They usually have to dilate my pupils and there's an afternoon of feeling like I'm on the way down from a week long bender. Bleh.

Work was work. Crazy busy towards the end of the day and I'll have to go in early tomorrow being auction day and all. Still, Thursday and Friday should be relatively quiet again so I'm not complaining. At least not yet *grins*

Thinking I should do some form of intro post soon for my new friends.

EDIT: Oh. And I finally cleaned out poor Sherlock, John and Mycroft's tank. Poor little fishes XD Their plants were slimey.

I am working Evernote like a boss tonight. Rearranging tags, adding a new Meta tag and have just being web capturing like crazy. I'm building a list of writing resources right there in amongst my actual writing notes and it's such a useful process I feel idiotic for not putting it in place in the first place!

Also Criminal Minds is on in the background and Hobbes is trying to sit on my lap - where the laptop is. Both of these are proving rather distracting XD Between this and worrying about Holmes and Watson's tank possibly leaking more than I originally thought, I am proud of the amount of work on my novels I've done already. Score one for some kind of productivity lol.

I love finding random pieces of writing on the various thumb drives I own. So far today I've found an Assassin's Creed fanfic, an old first chapter draft of Fade to Silver and what looks like to be some rough plotting for Mindscapism. Nothing that immediately calls out to be used/worked on/provide inspiration. The AC fanfic looks finished (I don't even remember writing it lol) and I'm halfheartedly contemplating posting it somewhere if only to have some justification for having written it.

Huh. I have no AC userpics on LJ yet. Should probably do something about that.

The Fade writing has some potential. It's got some key scenes in there I still want to use that I haven't had the chance to rewrite in any other form yet (considering I'd been looking for this particular bit of work for awhile now) but I am not sure if I want to do anything with Fade just yet until I can get my summary/outline ready to work with. I've spent so much time meandering on this novel that to start writing again without either would just be another exercise in futility. Need to compile years of random writing and snippets before I do anything else. Finding this is certainly a step in the right direction though!

The day of perpetual lack of enthusaism.

I am sure my motivation was here when I woke up. Possibly. At least I had a glimpse of it before it evaporated in that hazy cloud of mist it likes to leave in its wake. I have drunk many cups of tea, had one iced coffee and bought chicken for tonight's stir fry. My day = thrilling. I speak, of course, with a great deal of sarcasm. The highlight of my day, however, is snickering at my Dad who keeps sending me youtube links. He's only just discovered that famous past time of wasting your lunch break looking at you tube vids and thinks it necessary to share them with his daughter. He gets so excited. It's both adorable and amusing. Actually I find his emails more amusing than most of the vids (though he has povided some entertainment with those as well)

At least he's found something to amuse himself with. I could be plotting right now (and jfc I have so much work to do on all three of my novels it's utterly ridiculous) but there's that whole LACK OF MOTIVATION thing that's kinda getting in the way. I should be writing, want to be writing. Instead I am looking a vids Dad is sending me and stoning like a...well stoner on random sites of random. *snickers* Wel done, there.

Randomly, I totally remembered that my friends at uni used to call me 'Lo'

I kinda completely irrationally miss that name.

Ugh cramps. gtfo

Back for another week - the week where my supervisor gets back from leave and what is hopefully the LAST meeting to decide what is happening with my position in the media time will happen. She's back tomorrow (she doesn't work on Mondays) and the meeting is scheduled for the very day so I am just...they better just decide, get it over and done with so I know what the hell is going on. University starts back in a few weeks and I've actually put in for classes (we'll see how long that lasts XD) so I'd like to have at least the work situation sorted.

Spent the weekend writing, drawing and gaming which was just what I needed. Started on a fresh sketchbook with a promise to myself to try my very best to fill by the end of March. Filled the first page yesterday with the beginnings of a consistency exercise using Ceallach as my subject. I did better than I expected and the things I thought I'd have trouble with weren't always the case. Forshortening always needs more work but my lines are more confident and that makes me happy. Besides, I love sketching in pencil ten times more than I like sketching digitally. I think I'm always going to be one of those artists that does the ground work traditionally and then paints the rest digitally. I really should invest in a lightbox. And a Cintiq....

Starting a type of dance/exercise class with Bec and another woman from work. One is like group DDR (which omg - so much fun) and the other is Latin dancing with an emphasis on fitness and weight loss. I am really looking forward to it. Means driving quite a bit out of my way after to work but *shrugs* that's what you get for living so far away from everything XD

And wow...long post is long XD

...is needed when being able to speak. 3 hours sleep means I am saying the weirdest shit instead of what I want to say XD It's pretty much hilarious and ridiculous and I am too tired to care that I sound like a crazy woman.

Need tea. Lots of tea.

Today is for writing and drawing. Hopefully more drawing than writing since I haven't done ANY drawing for a while now which is making me grumpy. Thinking consistency exercise meets character designing - if I got in that vein at least I could get two pages done of two characters probably today. I'd love to actually just - have a design page each for Ceallach and Akira, something concrete that I can put in my Fade folder. They lurk in my head more than I've actually captured them on paper - Ceallach especially only has a handful of sort of sketches. Must fix this.

Hoping Tina and Raven are around again today. *grins* It was nice getting to 'hang out' nearly all day like we used to. I miss them :(

This not sleeping is getting beyond ridiculous. I tossed and turned last night and gave in to taking my usual dose of sleeping pill and still didn't sleep properly. I was awake at 4:30 like normal, dozed a bit until my alarm went off at 6:30 but that really just only made me feel worse. *sighs* Not sure what the answer is at the moment. Until then, I guess, I am going to have to deal with functioning in this half aware state for the first few hours of the day and the last few hours of the evening. I can manage during the middle of the day okay - pity I've got waste that awake time at work XD

Work is picking up again at least which is good. I think if I didn't have something to keep me occupied I'd be face down on my desk fast asleep at the moment XD

I haven't slept all that well the last few days. I hate being reliant on drugs to get some semblance of normal sleep so I decided to see how I went without taking anything. I am already only allowing myself the quarter of a pill it takes to grab about four hours of solid sleep and it shits me beyond all belief that without it I am basically sleeping for about 45 minutes, waking up, sleeping for another 45 minutes and rinse and repeat. This goes on from about 11:30pm until 4:30am wherein I wake up and stare at the ceiling in a dazed yet completely awake fashion.

Screw it, I say. I'm just going to sleep however I can without taking anything unless I am losing my ability to function on a semblance of coherancy during the day and get up when I wake up. If this means I am awake from 4:30am until about 11:30 pm then so be it. At least I should be able to get more into my waking hours this way.

When I do sleep for longer than 45mins (though it's very rarely any longer than 2 hours) I have my usual vivid dreams XD A couple of night's ago I swear I was like the Chosen's version of Captain Planet - not that I ran around saying "By your powers combined!" or anything XD I have to admit, I enjoyed Anthion, Iandra and Aithne's powers the most. The other's were cool enough but Akira's just gave me a headache and Ceallach's...well...I can see why using anything other than the Shadow or the lesser Weaver aspects of his power makes him riddled with guilt. I could stand having more dreams like that though. Not only was it fun as all hell, it was useful XD

I don't know why I thought going to work when I can hardly stand up was a good plan. I figure I am just that programed to fear taking too much time off work despite the fact I am curled up in a miserable ball at my desk with a heat pack, drugged up to the eyeballs and sipping precious hot tea. I can barely eat. It's awesome XD Heh.

Computer still not working, even after our lovely sysadmin spent a good few hours on it this morning before anyone had even walked into work. Things be broke and both of us are scratching our heads as to what exactly considering nothing is working network wise yet Windows is saying all the hardware is fine. Ugh. I can't bring myself to care today. Too busy wanting to rip out my uterus so I can stand up without falling over.

I need another cup of tea. Tea makes everything better. That and stabbing things. DLC for AC2 comes out today/tomorrow. Asked Karen if she'd be so kind as to go grab me a wifi connector for my xbox today since there's nowhere near work that sells them without going right into the city which just no. Not today.

Hopefully the hands will hold up to the humidity today and I will be able to do some art when I get home. Tingly, stabbing pains in hands and arms does not make for good fine motor skills XD

Wow...I sound like I should be taken out to pasture and shot at the moment lol.

My work computer is still not...well...working XD Something to do witht he network in some capacity and I can do anything more than what I have done until the sysadmin gets back from leave on Monday. I am lucky to have been able to do as much as I have because she likes me and gave me the admin passwords to all the computers here. But I tell you what. I am not calling HP like NO suggested because hello, why I can do a good bulk of my work due to my computer being an idiot doesn't mean I have time to do that. Also it's past the point of over the phone instruction and tasking.

Spent money last night. Books and new underwear. My life is obviously totally thrilling XD I am going to look into getting the glass desk that I want though. Have the time to cruise a bit on Freedom and Ikea websites today during lunch since none of my lunch buddies are at work today the lazy sods.

Today is one of those days when getting out of bed really wasn't the best plan I've had. After the emotional upheaval that was yesterday combined with very little sleep, I was a zombie driving to work. Driving to work took TWO HOURS because an oversize truck carrying a granny flat broke down on the highway and traffice was backed up for two or three exits. Luckily I was zombified enough to deal with it without foul language and expressive hand gestures. There was some mild swearing however it was not done in English and so I think it doesn't count :P

Got to work to find my computer is chucking a major hissy fit and work connect to the LAN - which means no email, internet, network drives, media player and pretty much everything I need to do work of any kind. Am in my boss' office since she's on leave using her computer but it doesn't have half the programs I need.

Ugh. Can I just... you know. Go home now?

Yesterday was a world of pain and hot. I couldn't physically drag myself out of bed I was in that much pain and it took a lot of effort to even do the small amount of things yesterday that I needed to do. Feeling better today and managed to get to work which makes me happy. Also today is pay day which is another reason to be happy ^_^ Not that I see any of my money atm...I might set aside a little tiny bit for some more books.

Still not a great deal to do at work, especially since my project for this week has been postponed. I'm sure everything is going to pick up and I'll be completely swamped as per usual, but for now I am using this time to scribble thousands of notes on Fade in between the work that trickles in.

I really want to plan a holiday though. An actual going away holiday. It might be by myself since Karen doesn't have the monies right now and with her looking for a new job there's little chance she'll get time off. *sadface* Maybe even just a weekend over east...I need to get out of Perth for a lil bit.

There are...no words for how excited I am about Fade now. After last night (which for those who follow me on Twitter you'll see almost incoherant spazzing), sitting in the car with my Moleskine while waiting for Karen to finish work, everything exploded into the big, bloody, wet slop of a messy that was awesome. There is a clear timeline, plot...interesting plot even and everything is flowing beautifully and knitting together cohesively. *happy noises*

A LOT has changed over the last few days. I am tempted to pop up a locked post explaining it all as much as after certain experiences previous that kind of scares me. I am just so excited X3.

It also means I need to do some further character designing *grins*.

There really is nothing much happening at work for me at the moment. I'm sitting here pretty much wasting time in between the few panic rush jobs people flail at me for and it's making the days just crawl by. I can fill in time by doing some Fade work but I always feel a little guilty that I am scribbling in my Moleskin while the rest of the floor is working. Well mostly. My floor is filled with all the lawyers and they're usually pretty busy. Or not in the office XD

Was supposed to go out tonight but was just not feeling up to it. Neither was everyone else in the end lol so my night out on Friday has turned into a quiet one at home. This makes me happy *grins* I am such a hermit XD

So, started to prune back my cast list and realised in order to do that I really need to decided who the Chosen really are so I can see how strong their role is in Fade and if they are mor than mostly background characters (with a few exceptions).

( so here are the three versions of the Chosen that have come about over the last few years )

What do people think? Do you have one that sounds like something you'd be more interested in reading?

My brain really likes to take random events of the day completely out of context of their original situations and just...smash them all together to make the oddest dreams. I hardly remember anything save for the swimming pool full of random characters (both mine and other peoples) doing some kind of old school musical number. So random XD

My to do list at work today is still exceedingly short and hardly complecated. Once again I forgot my .psd file which annoys me more today since I was too exhausted from hormonal crap last night to do anythign productive. Looks like more Fade work - which I'm not really complaining about.

Got to work at twenty past seven this morning lol. Traffic was insanely good so I just cruised on through a lot quicker than I expected. It's a little scary when you can drive here quicker than it would take to catch the train sometimes. Catching the train home today though so Karen can have the car to drive home. The joys of working just down the road from your housemate *grins*

Feel pumped about working on Fade. Really pumped. My Moleskin is my constant companion at the moment. It feels good to actually physically write on paper too - helps me order my thoughts a hell of a lot better. I used to work from notebook at the time when I first started writing (mostly because I didn't have a computer back then XD) and I think some part of me recognises this and therefore the thoughts flow smoother.

Work looks slow again today. I forgot my .psd file for my painting again but I can work on Fade. Probably less obtrusively too which is a bonus.

Did I mention working in Multimedia is awesome if only that none of the internet is blocked to me now?

Despite having had this idea in my head for about eight years, working on it almost constantly in the last three, it still likes to completely fuck with itself until I am not sure how anything could possibly work. Sometimes I wonder if it's two completely different stories I'm trying to cram together into one or if I need to rework it severely to stop it from growing in size and creating huge plot holes that I can't seem to fix.

I'm starting to think that I need to strip it right back to bare bones, throw out all the extra crap that's developed one on top of the other over the years and start over. That might mean getting rid of a lot of side plots and charaters (I am thinking Ruforei and Tolsaithe might be a whole other story at least - perhaps set in the same 'verse, but I'm strongly thinking not) and being crystal clear about what story I am telling here. I love all these characters but I don't think they all belong to this story anymore.